Fate- is it?

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In a house where all you hear are the leaves outside
I closed my eyes in veneration
‘This is important’ says my heart. Please God! Please! 
Please let it be in my fate too.
The old lama rolls the grain to a page in the sutra
His eyes closed for a brief second then looked at me
I knelt closer to the ground
“Don’t” says the old lama, “Don’t venture ahead”
“But of course you will”
Silence.

Three years now. Three years since the waves hit the shore
I am standing alone.
Again and again, the same words in my head
“I should have, no, I couldn’t, no, I should not”
Does it matter now?
Maybe not. Steps taken cannot be retraced
Even if you did, there won’t be the same steps, would it?
Why ask when you can’t change the answer…
If I followed his word- that would have been my fate
And when I didn’t, that too is also considered fate.

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